I was always reminded that my step dad was not my dad when my mother and he would fight as she would say “this is my child and you have no say over her”, and my dad would hold my brother and say “this is my son, and you will not tell me what to do with him”. I always had this sense of not belonging with my mother, where with my Ninny I always belonged and was loved. I knew that no matter what happened I always had my home, but since I was so young I was not allowed by my birth mother and step father to assert the desire I had to return to my home. For my mother I was nothing but a pawn in her life to aid her in getting her way as well as making money. I have been told all my life by other relatives that I was a very good quiet child, but when adolescence hit all my hurt, anger, resentment and confusion came out with a vengeance. I thought my dad didn’t want me so I would say things and do things to hurt him as much as I was hurting by the thought that I was unloved and unwanted. When my mother divorced my birth father, she made sure that I was not mentioned in the divorce proceedings so in essence I was an official bastard child, even though my mother was married to my birth father during my conception and birth.
When I was 13 years old there were another set of divorce papers drawn up that mentioned my brothers Bruce and Paul but once again I was left out as if I did not exist. I was so extremely hurt by this as it was just another way that my mother got me to believe that my dad who had been there at my birth, called me #1 and loved me dearly, didn’t want me nor love me. My mother at this point even dialed the number to my birth father and told him he had to talk to me because I was becoming unruly. He got on the phone and told me “I know I used to take you away for vacations, but you are not my child, I caught your mother sleeping with another man when you were conceived.” I was crushed, not only did the only dad I had ever known not love or want me but my own biological dad didn’t want me either. This left me with my mother who made no qualms about not wanting me until I was useful for her to have. I couldn’t have felt more alone, and to this day I struggle with getting close to people because I fear that I am unlovable and will always be someone useful for someone else rather than their real love.
This portion of my life created vast holes in my heart and soul that I have never found a way to fill. Every person has an inherent need to be loved, needed and wanted. Unfortunately if this is not met in the early years and held consistent, it creates attachment disorders, and wreaks havoc in the now adults life. I used to dream about having children because they would love me because I was mommy. I had a great pretend world around me to shelter me from the pain, but anytime someone at school did not want to be my friend, I would hurt all over again because I felt like there had to be something very wrong with me that no one wanted me around. I was the unwanted, unloved and fatherless pawn child. Little did I know, all I needed to do was love myself, respect myself and strive for my dreams no matter what and no matter what else happened in my life, I would never be the unloved, unwanted, fatherless pawn child, I would become a bright, respectful, beautiful young woman.
Some folks ask me how I changed my life around so drastically, and can still see the beauty in life. That question is easy to answer, I stood up and took charge of my life at an early age and decided to stop being defeated and go out to concur the world with my wit and smile.
Thus the journey to my adulthood that started with $100 at South Station Greyhound bus depot in Boston, Ma and ended up nearly a week later in the Greyhound bus station on 8th avenue in Nashville, Tn. Little did I know I would end up with family again, only this time I had no knowledge of the family I would end up with. (it was the great secret of my mother’s generation.)
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